I'm not one to cry at movies.
But it's been a difficult three months, and while not an avid Rom Com viewer, I decided to give Crazy Rich Asians a shot on my flight back home for a well-needed vacation.
And it did something that so many movies before have been unable to. It had me crying for a long sustained period of time. Sometimes a movie will get a tear out of me but usually, it'll be just at the climax. This movie, however, seemed to connect with me in a way that others have failed to do so in the past.
I don't have an issue with Rom Coms inherently. Their appeal makes sense to me, but due to their mass production, a lot of them don't seem to do anything new or different at all. It's the same issue I have with most mainstream wide-appeal genres like superhero movies and basic action movies. I have not, admittedly, engaged with the genre and its best movies. The ones I have watched are strong movies for sure, but I have not experienced the release that most people who champion the genre claim exists. They have their moments for sure, and are highly enjoyable experiences, but not something that has personally brought me a lot of value.
And then I watched Crazy Rich Asians.
SPOILER WARNING FOR CRAZY RICH ASIANS
Maybe it was the timing, the actual perfect timing I watched it. On a flight back home, feeling maybe the most vulnerable I had felt in years, with the theme of the tear between home and a new country weighing on me heavily, I identified with the pressure Nick felt in balancing the demands of his lives.
I have always struggled with the idea of how easy it would be to move home and form a life that would be enjoyable, but pretty much give up on every real aspiration, ambition, and dream I have ever had. To decide for myself, or for a collective. All coupled with the uncertainty of whether any of what I want even holds value. I'm young, brash and I have in many instances convinced myself down paths that, perhaps, were not the best for me under some ideal or another.
But I love that about myself. I love how I go down paths just to optimize my own experiences and enjoyment. I love that I don't let common wisdom affect how I act. I love the fact I run into situations knowing it could be bad for me, but still hold out hope just to give it a chance. Because maybe, just MAYBE if everything falls into place just right, it could be amazing. And yes, I get hurt more than I win in these situations, for sure, but I never want to give up on the philosophy that makes life exciting for me, trusting, believing, and taking risks. All while accepting the fallout of the risks that they come with too.
For the first time in a while, I felt as if my support group cracked underneath me and I've been questioning how to move forward. Because I will go through rough times again, and if it cracks like it did this time, next time it will be my fault for not making any changes. There's a level of judgmentalism in how it cracked that leaves me shook. Have I actually put myself in a position to survive life's onslaught, if those closest to me treat me differently when I take those risks? When I leave behind what is the 'right' decision and take a leap of faith. If that makes those closest to me think lesser of me, then I am not supported.
Because it will happen again, and I will be distraught again, and if all that does is make people warier around me, then I have not relied on people who understand me. A big reason I've always felt the ability to take these risks is because I've always felt that I will be caught when I fall. This time, I wasn't.
I don't blame any of them. I understand supporting someone who is in a state of emotional turmoil can be exhausting. I did my best to put as little on them as possible, but yet, I did need them. They're all fantastic people, but if who I am and who they are aren't synergetic, then I need to find a better way to support my emotional needs.
I know I've gone on a long-winded detraction from the movie but that is in part, the magic of movies and art in general. To help you relate, understand, and perhaps process ideas that you know to be true but have refused to admit to yourself until it is displayed through someone else's lens.
But that air of judgmentalism and its extremity from Crazy Rich Asians stuck with me. I feel alone in my escape from Pakistani society and its impact on me. When I see similar behavior from friends I trust, It makes me wonder, have I kept too much of home close to me? And that no matter how detached I believe these people are from the toxic aspects, it will always live in them. And I wonder, how much of that lives within me as well.
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